It’s a little-known fact that in their prior lives, Timothy Geithner, Ben Bernanke, and Barack Obama were in charge of the Dutch economy during the tulip bubble, or mania, of 1634-36.At the height of the bubble, when the equivalent of 12 acres of land and buildings was being exchanged for one tulip bulb, the dynamic trio in Gucci wooden shoes declared that it would be bad for the Dutch economy if tulip prices were allowed to fall to their pre-bubble prices. They came up with plan after plan to prop up tulip prices. All of the plans were based on the same idea: that prudent people who didn’t loan or borrow money to buy tulips should be forced to fork over money to those who did.“We have to keep putting money into toxic tulips,” said Geithner, who was the Dutch treasury secretary at the time. “If we don’t prop up tulip prices, capital will go to more productive uses like ship building or dike construction.”Dutch King Barack Obama backed his treasury secretary. “Sir Timothy is talking sense. When I was a community organizer in Amsterdam, I worked with ACORN to make sure that ne’er-do-wells had tulips. It would be unjust to take their tulips away from them.”In testifying before the Provincial Council at the Hague, the head of the Dutch central bank, Ben Bernanke, said that Britain, France, and Spain would be upset if tulip prices fell, because they had loaned money to the Dutch to buy tulips. “The value of the florin [Dutch dollar] will fall if we let tulip prices fall and can’t pay back the loans,” Bernanke said.
At this point, the author ends his parody. Might I continue where the author left off?
March 24, 1637 (BLOOM-berg) –Sir Timothy has announced his long awaited solution to the global tulip crisis, the "Toxic Tulip Investment Program". (TTIP) This is a public-private partnership to end the credit freeze in the tulip market. Markets have been frozen since it has been shown that the sacks of tulip bulbs that lenders had in their portfolios labeled "AAA tulips" by tulip rating agencies were in fact bags of subprime manure.
"There is no way we can fairly price these AAA tulip bags in the current environment," said Sir Tim. "Just because no one is willing to buy them doesn’t mean that they aren’t worth anything. If we require tulip lenders to mark-to- tulip market, it will make it appear as if lenders merely own bags of manure. This new program will remove toxic tulips from lenders balance sheets and get credit moving again."
"We are not going to bore you with details", Sir Tim continued. "Just be assured that the worst that could happen is that Dutch taxpayers could be left holding the bags. Taxpayers need not be concerned. Besides, King Obama’s new plan to spend billions of florins on solar powered windmills will create thousands of jobs, jumpstart the economy and create new demand for tulips."